Earlier in the afternoon, we finally had a chance to really get out and practice some baseball skills.  I drew a target on the side of the shed and he just kept throwing the ball against it for a bit.  Once I made a few corrections to his form, he was hitting that target more than he was missing.  Having him repeatedly throw to something other than me was helpful.  Afterwards, I pitched a little for him to hit.  I was getting kinda frustrated with his inability to make contact when the ball when I said, “Get on the other side of the plate.”  He hit more left-handed than he did right-handed!  Now, I’ve seen him bat before and I’ve seen him bat much better right-handed than he did, but I think I’ve got a switch hitter on my hands!  We’re going to the majors, baby! 

And now… time to get get back in bed to see if I can fall back to sleep…  These sleepless nights are getting far to common lately…

 Zeph has a book of string games that my mom gave him as a hand-me-down from my aunt, Ann.  Last night, we spent over 30 minutes learning teacup and saucer (I already knew it), witches broom, Cat’s Cradle (still haven’t really learned it) and I did Jacob’s Ladder for the first time!  I brought a string to work so I could show the guys.  I think they think I’m weird.  I think you already know I’m weird…

The bathroom at work has this giant mirror on one wall.  I like to make faces at myself as I pass by it…

I said something kinda nasty about an ex yesterday and it felt nearly as good as that time when I yelled at a co-worker.  I was on a high for days after that…

I’m getting tired of cleaning the turtle tank.

I’m writing this post while I’m at work waiting for my slow as pazzah reports to run…  I wrote reports that are slow as pazzah, despite knowing several much better ways to write these reports…

Part of me wants to tell Z the truth about Santa just to make my life easier.

That kind of confidence has been driving my day.  I walked in this morning knowing I was going to solve that problem and I left knowing I could do anything I want.  So, I picked up Z from school and he was being a bit of a grump muffin.  So… I cheered him up!  And we had one of the best evenings we’ve had in a long time.

After dinner, he helped me pick up the dishes and get them loaded into the dishwasher.  Normally, I only make him put his dishes in the sink.  This time, he rinsed and loaded while I cleared the stove off.  When it was time to turn the dishwasher on, I said, “Get out the detergent.”  I gave it a little shake and began to uncap it when he says, “Can I do that?”  Well, what kind of mother would I be if I turned down my child’s request to do a chore?  “Sure!”  He had fun rinsing dishes, loading the dishwasher and turning it on… Who knew?

So… Next time you’re asking yourself, “Can I do that?”  Remember, the answer is, “Of course!”

Now, go Embellish!

Usually, this is when I might get contemplative and go off on some worldview shattering mental quest, but now I just sit and wait.  I’ll go back and wait for sleep and hope for rest along with it.

  Now… what am I suppose to Embellish?  My life?  How does one embellish one’s life?  I say, it’s not so much about surrounding yourself with physical ornamentation, but spiritual ornamentation.  Let’s have fun and play!  Fill your life with little beautiful bits of joy.  Add a dash of giggles, stir in a few tickles, simmer…

Every few years or so, I would come upon this tangle of gold and think, “I really should try to untangle this mess.”  Of course, such a task is daunting to say the very least.  Surely, it would’ve been easier to simply pull out my wire cutters, destory the chains and buy new ones.   When have you ever known me to choose the easy way out of a problem?  So, I spent hours untangling.  As I did, I felt as if I were untangling my whole life from the time I received the first pendant to now.  Both pendants were gifts from my parents when I was a Lady In Waiting for the Krewe of Carollton, two years in a row.  I guess I was 11 or 12 the first year.

As I was untangling, I wondered why I had never approached the task with so much determination before.  It soon became clear that the needle nose pliers and bent nose pliers I was now using were far better tools than I ever had in the past to which to approach this task.  Funny how I feel like in so many ways I’ve got tools I never had before with which to approach examining my life.  I sat untangling this mind-numbing tedium with the fierce determination supplied only by years of need to accomplish such a simple and small goal.

 I remembered the feel of the air through the window on winter nights in the apartment I conceived Z.  The heat supplied by the gas heater even on low was so much as to induce a sweat even in cold-natured little me.  The bed against the window supplied me with just the right amount of relief.  Einstein would crawl out onto the ledge during the night and watch the street below. 

I remember the play-pen bedroom I ran away from.  The vertical bars of the wallpaper keeping me trapped like a child.  And the freedom of the glitter on the ceiling of my dormroom.  Laying in the orange light watching all the colors drift me into another world.  A world so much safer, so much lighter.

I remember walking on the levee… As I untangled my mess, the levee became time-trancencing.  It was then; it is now.  I could see me walking along it on a summer afternoon, sneaking behind it on a winter night, strolling along it just a month or so ago.  The river, in it’s cycles, is never changing, but constantly different - never forgiving.  It was not meant to forgive, it was meant to flow, to keep moving.  That is what we do, we keep moving.  Only, I can forgive me.  I can learn from my past and grow.  I can untangle my own knots and seperate my Comedy and Tragedy from my Blue Topaz.  My Carnival from my Life.

The only thing that remains is… an empty chain.  What I fill it with is my choice…

 Last week, KT “forced” me to go tour a fitness center with her so she could decide if she wanted to join.  It was my third time there trying to tell myself I really need to do it, but I never could quite justify the expense.  But, as KT pointed out, “It’s such a small investment, when you think about the rewards for your health.”  Being there with her forced me to commit to it.  So, now that I’m paying for it, I darn well better put it to good use!  I even signed Z up for their youth fitness program.  Of course, it’s terribly inconvenient for an after-school workout, since Z’s school is close to home and the gym is close to work, and they’re seperated by about 20 minutes of driving.  I’m sure we’ll find a way to make sure we get our money’s worth.

As if joining a gym weren’t going to take enough of my non-existant free time, I went and did the dumbest thing I could’ve done at this particular junction in my life - I went on a date.  Oh, but if this had been one of those like all the others for the last 4 years, I would’ve been OK.  Personally, I’ve been rather astounded by some of the very clever ways I’ve managed to avoid a relationship… My greatest by far was, “If you move to the other side of the ocean, I would find you far more attractive.”  And then, I drop my guard, decide for a bit that I just want to go off and enjoy an evening down here without having to “import” a man and before I know it, I’m out on my levee with him.

During my senior year of high school, my mom, dad and brother moved our spacious 4 bedroom house into an itty-bitty 3 bedroom apartment.  I returned that summer to live with the extra refrigerator and my mom’s computer in my room.  I would wake up in the mornings to her on the computer and be disturbed in the middle of the night by my brother raiding the fridge.  For three months, I lived there with no car, no license, no job.  I’m not entirely sure how much I drank or smoked, suffice to say it wasn’t particularly good for me.  My few comforts were painting out on the balcony (my two favorites from that summer now hang in my bedroom, some of you might’ve seen them in my living room in Dallas) and strolling out on the levee listening to Concrete Blonde.  I would go and walk or just sit, sometimes listening to the music, singing along, sometimes listening the crickets.  That was my place to be free for a bit.  Just me.  Alone.  Quiet.  At peace. Without the chemicals.

 We were driving along with no destination, and there was the apartment entrance and I just said, “Turn Left!”  That was it, suddenly, I was back to one of the loneliest times of my life, but it was so different.  He was there and everything was just OK.  I could remember all the pain, only now I didn’t need to distance myself from it or numb myself to it, but just know that it’s all OK. 

This is what I came back to do.  To face it and move on.

Now, the problem of the porcelain support is put on a back burner in a dark corner of my mind.  The toilet paper can be found on the remaining support, the back of the toilet, the top of the litter box hood, the edge of the tub… Then, a few weeks ago, I repaint my bathroom.  In the process, I find *shock* a replacement for the support!  What a treasure!  I put it in place!  I now have two supports for a toilet paper roll!  Only now I have a new problem: I don’t have the little springy bar to put in between anymore.  I’ve tried Home Depot, WalMart and Dollar General.  I can buy a new set (from which I would then throw away the supports), but I can’t buy the springy bar!

I’m keeping my eyes open for a toilet paper roll springy bar… What are they really called, anyway?  Does anybody have any other suggestions as to where I can find a replacement?